November, 2016 Posting Contest

Pinched
Date of Joke: Sunday, 3rd November, 2002

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?




==============================




A: A brick.

The Hotel Room

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I
don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,
then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Radio Conversation



This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Woman: “Help! Is anyone here a doctor?”

Vet: “I treat horses, but maybe I can help.”

Woman: “Oh, thank goodness! I think my son broke his leg!"

Vet: “OK, hang on. My rifle’s in the truck.”

This joke is from my 3 yr old Khloe...


What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

Bahahaha

When Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
Little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey.

Mexican Bandit



The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A month went by and the bandit thought he was safe. He was celebrating his good fortune at a local cantina, when a Texas Ranger walked up and dragged him out into the dusty street. After he realized he had a communication problem, the ranger poked his head back into the bar: "Anybody here speak English?" he shouted.

"I do, senor" came the reply.

Then commere" the ranger ordered. The conversation between ranger, translator and bandit started. "Did he rob the bank?" "He did." "Does he still have the $250,000?" "Yes," again. Then the ranger pulled out his Colt .45, held the barrel of the gun to the bandit's head and cocked the trigger. "Make sure he understands this next question real good." the ranger told the translator. "WHERE'S THE MONEY?"

In Spanish the frightened bandit blurted out that the money was hidden in a waterproof bag at the bottom of the well in the town plaza. The translator looked up at the ranger: "He says he is not afraid to die, you fricking Gringo!"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing

A Baseball Story



Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game. So, one night he sneaks across the border and hitch-hikes his way to the second game of the World Series. He tries to get in, but since he doesn't have a ticket, the security guard won't let him in. Jokingly, the guard tells poor Jose to climb the flagpole if he wants to see the game. And that's what Jose did.

Well, it was time to start the game, and everyone stood up to sing the National Anthem. Jose watches the game in amazement and joy. When it was over, he slid down the flagpole and hitch-hikes his way back over the border to Mexico.

When he finally gets home, all his friends ask him, "So, Jose, how was eet, the baseball game?"

And Jose replies, "Eet was wonderful, amigos. The people in America are so kind! The first thing they did, even before they start the game, was to ask me, `Jose, can you see?'

Q: How do you get a blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her drinks are on the house.

Surgical Gloves



A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms

Mouse Balls
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 22nd September, 2010

NOTE: I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face! This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its employees. It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was in regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note the last sentence!)

INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play!


What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuff!


Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off!

Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.