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Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 8:00 pm
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 8:03 pm
LMAOOOO Great Jokes!!!
The Lone Ranger and his faithful American Indian sidekick Tonto are riding the plains. It's midwinter and bitterly cold so the heroic duo enter a saloon for a warming drink.
The bartender takes one look at Tonto and shouts: "Get him outtahere. We don' serve no Injuns!"
Faithful Tonto agrees to wait outside while the Lone Ranger has a quick drink. To keep warm he decides to run around his horse.
Alas the drink proved too enticing for the Lone Ranger and poor Tonto was soon forgotten.
Eventually after a few hours, a cowboy sauntered in, looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Is that your horse outside?"
"Yes, why?" asked the Lone Ranger.
The cowboy answered, "You've left your Injun runnin'."
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 8:52 pm
Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:08 pm
Ohhhhh my LOL
Man sits at a bar and orders 5 shots the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough."
"Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy."
"Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today."
A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks.
"Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week."
"I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house."
Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The guy responds, "Yeah...my wife."
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:14 pm
Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:29 pm
During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:17 pm
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine! 
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:17 pm
Q: Why do dwarfs giggle when they run?
A: The grass tickles their balls.
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:19 pm
Q: In which school do you learn to make ice cream?
A: Sunday school! ay!
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:21 pm
A Wisconsin farmer named Oley had a car accident. He was hit by a truck
Owned by the Eversweet Company, a Harley Westover Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thusly:
'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?"
Oley responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my
fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Oley said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down
da road.... '
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the
scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying
to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer
the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Oley's answer and said to
the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow,
Bessie'.
Oley said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de
road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign
and hit my trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and
Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move.
An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I
knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right
between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock vud you say?'
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:27 pm
Lmaoo nono
Q: How do you turn soup into gold?
A: Add twenty four carrots!
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:25 pm
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
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