Roflmaoooo Contest Closed Winners Announced

AFTER ADAM AND EVE FINISHED CONSUMATING THEIR MARRIAGE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN, EVE HEADED TOWARD THE RIVER TO FRESHEN UP. BUT WHEN GOD SAW WHERE SHE WAS HEADED, HE YELLED DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS, ALBEIT JUST A MOMENT TOO LATE, "OH, NO! EVE! NO!" "NOW ALL THE FISH ARE GOING TO SMELL LKE THAT!"

STOW, Ohio - An Ohio man may have tipped off his intentions when he stood in line at a bank wearing a ski mask before staging a holdup.


Police in Stow say Feliks Goldshtein was arrested following a brief car chase. Police say the teller asked the man to take off the mask before being served. The man displayed what turned out to be a toy gun and demanded money from the teller.


He made off with an undisclosed amount.


Police Captain Rick Myers says it's unusual for a masked robber to wait in line at a bank.


The 24-year-old man was jailed on charges of aggravated robbery and failure to comply with a police order.

Follow The Recipe


A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices
his friend is very well endowed.
'Damn, Bob, you're hung!'
Jim exclaims. 'I wasn't always this
impressive, I had to work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it
actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.'
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks
Jim
how his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten
smaller! I lost two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?'

'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco.'



Wait for it.....





Wait.....






You know it's coming.....



Crisco!!?'
Bob exclaimed. 'Damm it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!



MORAL OF THE STORY: You gotta follow the recipe!!!

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?', pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said To place it on the organ, and keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Marriage to a Canadian woman


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning , dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.


God Bless Canadian Women!

Hi Crushers! I just received an email from crzynana2001 and thought I would share it with you. hehee



ROFLMAOOOOOOOOO

----- Italian Pregnancy


An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the
mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suitsteps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and
provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive
a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again

Ole and Lena!!

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame
grew, and, soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings and
formal portraits.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo,
while Ole was mowing the lawn. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This
was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she
was willing to pay him $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked
the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha.I'll paint ya in da
nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

LOL Valeria I just watched your video and I LOVE the guys TShirt LOL Plus I too laughed my butt off watching it!! LOL

Keep them coming Crushers!!

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'......

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes
from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
'
I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed, I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

***********************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....


************************************************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....

**************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

Okay Crushers please say this outloud several times until you get it:

ME SOFAKING WE TAD ED

Let me know if you got it.

My little niece pulled this one on me and it did not get it for a long time. The entire family was laughing at me and I really could not figure out what I was saying.

Two drops every four hours:

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened tohim back in the early day of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache.

He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote Put two drops in the right ear every four hours and he abbreviated RIGHT as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmicist had type the following instructions on the label.

Put two drops in R ear every four hours.

Stand Up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psycology courses, she started her class by saying, Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up. After a few seconds Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny said, no ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.

Funny, funny, funny, AJ, this former teacher tells you! LOL!