February, 2013, Posting Contest Winners Announced

LOL Rita this happens to me with my students, LOL

LOL

Here's one that Kdal29 (Kathy) emailed to me.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're demanding a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
A: Shoot her again.

LOL , cute. i would give a gallon

Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

A: It let out a little wine!

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

A: Because then it would be a foot!

Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
about 45 pounds

Whats the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
about 45 minutes

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts

Great Job Everyone!!!

Here's one Nono emailed me a few days ago:

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead. ' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn 't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman..

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort. '

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have? '

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters. '

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be Shittin me. '

Always REMEMBER this:
You don 't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
He wanted to go where no man had ever gone before

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
The captain's log

Little Johnny and Clarissa are walking down the street, when Little johnny says to Clarissa 'Climb up that tree and ill give you $5 ' So she climbed up the tree, and received $5. She went home shouting 'mommy mommy i received $5 from Johnny just for climbing up the tree!' Her mom looked at her and said 'He just wants to see your underwear.'
The next day Little Johnny said 'Climb up the tree and ill give you $25' So she climbed up the tree happily knowing she would receive $25. She ran home shouting 'mommy mommy! I received $25 from Little Johnny for climbing up the tree! I'M RICH!' Her mom sighed and said, 'Clarissa, I've told you this before..He just wants to see your underwear'
The next day Little Johnny did the same thing, But this time he offered her $50. She climbed up happily and ran home to her mom saying 'mommy mommy! LOOK! I got $50 from Little Johnny for climbing up the tree!' Her mom said 'LOOK, I've told you this before.. he just wants to see your underwear!' Clarissa sighed, 'But mommy, I tricked Johnny! Today I didn't wear any underwear!' Her mom fainted.

Hi,

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"