July, 2013, Posting Contest

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
LMAO

A man comes to the doctor and says: "Doc, no matter what i do in bed i can't satisfy my wife".
So the doctor sends him to the old train-station, where he is to find a very well-built guy that can help him.

And so, the man goes there, finds the big guy and asks him for help.
The guy says: "No problem, sir. You see this banana-skin? Invite me to your house while you are having sex, and i will wave it at you and your wife during the whole time. I promise you that she will reach satisfaction in no time".

So, they head off to the man's house. When the woman opens the door, he asks her to go to bed, cause they are going to have some great sex. And so they begin, and the big man is waving the banana-skin. After 30 minutes, still the wife doesn't reach satisfaction.

"Give it to me, i will wave and you will have the sex", says the man angrily.

Ans so, he starts waving, and the big guy is having sex with the wife. After exactly two mintues, she reaches her peack.

"You see, you Idiot", says the man to the big-guy with rage, "this is how you are supposed to wave a banana!".

There was this Texas cowboy and he had been riding his horse across the great plains on his way to California nonstop. Both him and his horse had gone days without sleep. As he rode in to one of the few towns on his trip he decided to stop in at the saloon and get a shot of wiskey to satisfy his thirst. As he got off his horse he realized that since his horse had not slept in a few days it might fall asleep now that they had finally stoped and it might take a few hours to wake his horse up.

He grabed this young indian who just happened to be walking by and told him of his predicament, he then asked the indian if he could run back and forth in front of his horse to keep it awake while he was tending his thirst in the bar. The indian agreed.

After a few drinks the cowboy forgot about the trip as he made friends and drank down round after round in the bar. As the hours past a cowboy entered the front door of the sallon and asked who owned the brown and white horse out front.

The cowboy who owned the horse said "I do so what about it?"

Well replied the cowboy you left your INGIN' RUNNIN'.....

The NHL Players Association (NHLPA) announced today that they are upset at the NHL for planning to start next year's season with replacement players.

Their statement was unanimously endorsed by the 75% of the NHL players who are currently replacing other players in Europe.

where do snowman keep their money? In a snowbank. (courtesy of my mom - a retired 1st grade teacher)

where do snowman keep their money? In a snowbank. (courtesy of my mom - a retired 1st grade teacher)

Where do you find a one legged dog?


Where you left it.

Yet even more quotes from Yogi Berra:

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

"Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting."

"Baseball is 90% mental – the other half is physical."

"If the fans don’t come out to the ball park, you can’t stop them."

"You asked me what I’d do if I found a million dollars? I’d find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I’d return it."

And last but not least:

"Someone told me I looked cool. I said, Thanks, you don’t look so hot yourself."

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From the inside they heard a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel"

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was.

The husband said, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"

Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye the husband rushed off to the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET, YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise

What's worse than having a worm in your apple?


Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the apple!

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

How do you turn soup into gold?


Add twenty four carrots!

Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

What clothes does a house wear?


Address.