Roflmao Contest Closed Winner Announced

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day so she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at her apartment, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just laid on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. The repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"



The parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"



~Nono

Hello Everyone!

Too Funny.... I sure needed a laugh right now
so I just wanted to say

Hello Crushers, again thank you all for entering your jokes for this contest. I look forward daily to reading your jokes as I know other Crushers do also. So thank you again and we have one more day that we will be having a random drawing then, friday will be the day everyones name goes back into the tupperware bowl. 1 Joke = 1 Entry, so the more jokes you enter, the better chance you have of winning.

Our Jokester today is:




....rsablebomb....rsablebomb....rsablebomb....rsablebomb....
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....rsablebomb....rsablebomb....rsablebomb....rsablebomb....
....rsablebomb....rsablebomb....rsablebomb....rsablebomb....




Congratulations rsablebomb!!! Your Neteller account will be credited within 10 days.

Happy Gaming Always!

OrangeCrush

congrats! guess you could say "you're the bomb".

Ok, hope this doesn't offend... but here goes....

A man is at a dinner and he orders soup. He notices that the waiter always has his middle finger in the hot soup as he carries it to the waiting customers. This upset him because he was waiting for his soup, and he didn't like the idea of someone having there finger in his soup. Finally when the waiter comes to his table with his soup, he is aggrevated. The man asks "Why do you always have your finger in people's soup?" The waiter replies " The doctor says I have to keep it warm, to keep the swelling down.." The man very annoyed and upset says to him angerly "Well then why don't you just shove it up your ass to keep it warm" The waiter smiles and says sarcastically "What do you think I do when I am around the corner in the kitchen?"

wtg Sable, Congrats and enjoy your win

~Nono

Gratz rsablebomb!

Here we go again.....

The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."

"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

wooo hoo thank you sooo much. I only had a few jokes to out in I never thought I would win. Thanks you guys are great

One day a butcher and his friend was working in the butchers... when a dog came in, the dog started to point to the right side of his collar and the butcher pulled out a note that said...

" 1 lb of sausages
2 beef burgers
2 lb of mince"

So the butcher got his meat together and the dog started to point to the other side of his collar...

There he has a £20 note...

So the butcher took the money and gave him back his change...

The friend said to the butcher, " Gosh thats a smart dog, wonder who owns him... I would love one like that"

So he said " comon we will follow him and see where he goes..."

So out the door went the dog and turned down some roads... the guys was following him and saw him turning into a house...

The dog scratched and scratched on a door and a man came out and started beating the dog around the head..

The butcher came out and said "hey hey... what are you doing to that poor dog...

the man replyed... "Thats the second time this week hes forgot his keys"

LMAOOOO

HE SAID>>>>>SHE SAID


He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ...You wear pants don't you?

He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ... We don't know; it has never happened.

He said ...Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

~Nono

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

~Nono

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop
with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while,
the husband gets irritated by the
ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,
and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies,
"If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,


we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."


~Nono

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


~Nono

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."