July, 2013, Posting Contest

President Clinton wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.

"Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's". Clinton goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?"

"Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."

Research mammals
A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...

"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crepe your pants when you hear what the price is."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

What do they call pastors in Germany?


German Shepherds.

My new neighbor

He's single...
He lives right across the street.
I can see his condo from my deck.
I watched as he got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when he walked across the street and up my driveway and
knocked on my door.
I rushed to open it, he looks at me and says,
"I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good
time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free, I have no plans at all!"
He said, "Great! Could you watch my dog?"
Being a senior citizen, really sucks!

Heaven's Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or
her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for
her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I
began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.
He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest."

DON'T MESS WITH KIDS!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.




A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, 'They will in a minute.'




A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?'

From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
'Thou shall not kill.'




One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette
head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of
your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'





The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's
a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the
teacher, she's dead.'




A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on
my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red
in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'




The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile
of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the
apples..'

Why did Helen Keller have yellow legs?
?
?
?
Cause her dog was blind too!

What says "oh, oh, oh"?


Santa walking backwards

Q: Did you hear about the call girl that had to get her appendix out?

A: The doctor sewed up the wrong hole and now she's making money on the side.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:

"How much for Engineer brain?"

"3 dollars an ounce."

"How much for other generic profession brain?"

"4 dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"100 dollars an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

Pigeon flying in sky
But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

What type of star is dangerous?

A shooting star!

Why did the runner quit the race against Bigfoot?

He couldn't face defeet!!