August, 2015 Post A Joke Contest Closed

QUESTION...WHAT'S RED AND BAD FOR YOUR TEETH?

ANSWER... A BRICK!

Bad Puns...no really!

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A guy training his dog, puts in the back of his truck and says "Sit! Stay!" and starts to walk away. Every few feet, he turns, points and says "Stay!" After repeating this procedure a few times, a young blond walking down the street says "Why don't you just put it in park"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

OK, I know I just did one...but I had to post this too because it had me crying I was laughing so hard..

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

NOCTOR-- Nurse that has done a 6 week training course and acts like s/he's a Doctor

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

Trumpets and Guns


In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

Q: What's the only difference between ass kissing and brownnosing?
A: Depth perception


kkrisqmb
ty for the contest

gl all

OMG ROFLMAOOOOOOO almost woke Barry up from laughing lol

Great Jokes!!! Keep em coming!!!
=====

What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted lol

A PIRATE WALKS INTO A BAR...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me penis."

Stiff Neck

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down. "Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out and everybody can see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, Just watching the cars go by.... and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

Q...DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO GUY'S THAT STOLE A CALENDAR ?

A...THEY BOTH GOT 6 MONTHS!

The young man from Mississippi comes running into the store and says to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replies, 'Did you see who it was?' The young man answers, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'