Christmas Contest Day #26 - Christmas Jokes CLOSED

Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2017 5:52 pm (No subject)

INTERESTED IN SEEING THE "NORTH POLE" ?

(WELL, THAT'S WHAT THE MRS. CALLS IT) Very Happy

Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2017 7:18 pm (No subject)

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

Christmas Santa
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."

Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2017 7:45 pm (No subject)

FOR CHRISTMAS, I GAVE MY KID A BB GUN. HE GAVE ME A SWEATER WITH A BULLS-EYE ON THE BACK. Laughing

Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2017 8:00 pm (No subject)

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit Smile

Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2017 8:17 pm (No subject)

What is the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

Snowballs.

Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2017 8:31 pm (No subject)

10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus

1. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
2. No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
3. Buy one big brown belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
4. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
5. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
6. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
7. Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
8. You'd never take the wrong coat on your way home.
9. You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
10. No one would ask to see your job description.

Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2017 8:41 pm (No subject)

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING A LITTLE EARLY

IT WAS JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND THE JAILER WAS IN A HAPPY MOOD.

HE ASKED THE PRISONER WHO WAS IN THE DOCK, "WHAT ARE YOU CHARGED

WITH"? THE PRISONER REPLIED, "DOING MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING TOO EARLY"

"THAT'S NO CRIME;" SAID THE JAILER. "JUST HOW EARLY WERE YOU DOING
THIS SHOPPING ?"

"BEFORE THE STORE OPENED," ANSWERED THE PRISONER...LOL

Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2017 3:17 pm (No subject)

Just before Christmas I was shopping at a toy store in Worcester
I glanced to my left and caught sight of a queue at the doll counter; they were waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls. As I looked I realised that in the queue was a good friend of mine. Knowing Lennie well I was sure that he had no daughters nor did he have any nieces so I wondered why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time'
'Hey, Lennie,' I cried, 'I hadn't realised you collected dolls.'
'I don't,' he replied laughing'
'Really,' I queried, 'then you must be buying a Christmas present then?'
'No, not at all, my friend,' responded Lennie, his eyes twinkling merrily'
'If you don't mind my asking then Lennie,' I said, 'Why exactly are you standing in this particular queue?'
'Oh that,' he giggled. 'It's like this, my mate,' he mused, 'I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue.'

Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2017 3:37 pm (No subject)

WHAT DID THE STAMP SAY TO THE CHRISTMAS CARD ?

STICK WITH ME AND WE'LL GO PLACES! Laughing

Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2017 4:42 pm (No subject)

Daughter: „Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?“

Mom: „No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!“

Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2017 6:46 pm (No subject)

DEAR SANTA,
I HAVE BEEN GOOD FOR THE PAST WEEK OR SO.
LET'S JUST FOCUS ON THAT! Smile

Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2017 3:48 am (No subject)

What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick?
A chill pill !!!

Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2017 4:40 am (No subject)

WHY DID SANTA KICK RAGGEDY ANN OUT OF THE PRESENT BAG ?

BECAUSE SHE SAT ON PINOCCHIO'S NOSE AND SAID "LIE TO ME" Smile

Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:50 am (No subject)

LOL I love this contest!!!

Funny how the year you stop believing in Santa is roughly the year you start getting socks and clothes for Christmas.

Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2017 12:08 pm (No subject)

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!